Sex Changes -or- Special Delivery

Imagine, if you will, what a nine hour orgasm would feel like.

All right, I'm going to get back to that in a bit, but I have to lay some foundation first, and I didn't want you to think this was going to be a boring science lecture on human mating. So cling to that notion, the nine hour orgasm, and trust that we'll get there soon.

Okay.

There's no denying it: Sex changes things. It does. We can pretend it doesn't. We can be all casual about it, but sex really does have an effect on us.

In humans, for example, it can trigger what's known as "pair bonding," wherein prehistoric programming kicks in for the benefit of eventual offspring; instincts that help ensure the population will continue grow and be healthy.

That's why some girls will get clingy after you sleep with them. There's nothing wrong with them. They didn't suddenly go crazy. They are merely playing out the behaviors that hundreds of generations of evolutionary psychology have demonstrated are most advantageous for the survival of our species.

After all, who's going to keep the saber-toothed tigers away from the cave while she's pregnant? A woman has a better chance of successfully passing on her genes if she mates with a guy who will help out. So she tries to demonstrate to the man that the price of his orgasm is that she expects him to stick around. It's in her programming.

And similarly, ladies, this also explains why some guys get aloof after they've slept with you. They're merely anticipating this pattern, which generations of getting laid has told their brains is sure to emerge. See, guys are slower to pair bond. Guys are programmed to spread their essence far and wide, like Johnny... well, just Johnny "Seed," I guess. They have a better chance of passing on their genes if they impregnate lots of females.

What can we say, ladies? We gotsta ramble. It's in our DNA.

And Nature knows this. This is why babies more often resemble their fathers in the early going than their mothers. It's true. An Early Man (which is not to be confused with a "Morning Person") would be more likely to stay and defend his offspring if he can tell from looking at it that it is his.

Now, this offspring-centric plan for the human race didn't account for a lot of factors: sex for pleasure, homosexuality, contraception.

But we've had a lot more sex as a species B.C. ("before condoms") than we've had since, so a lot of that ancestral circuitry is still in play.

Sex changes things.

But, I think, the most interesting example of sex changing things -- I mean REALLY changing the participants in a significant way -- has to be utetheisa ornatrix, or as it's more commonly known, the rattlebox moth.

First off, the male rattlebox moth is a stud. According to Bugguide.com, he delivers a sperm package that weighs roughly 1/10 of his total body weight.

That phrase instantly turns me into a fifteen year old, laughing maniacally along with my friend Beavis: "delivers a sperm package." I can't help but imagine a moth dressed up in brown shorts and a brown button up, casually ringing a doorbell. The female rattlebox moth answers the door in a negligee.

MALE: "Yes, ma'am, I'm here to deliver a package."

FEMALE: (feigning modesty) "Oh, my. I wasn't expecting anything. What kind of package is it?"

MALE: "A SPERM PACKAGE!"

They embrace, and fall to the couch. Cue 70s funk soundtrack.

Aaaaaaaaaaand.... scene.

But seriously, the weight of his load is equal to 10% of his body weight! To put it in perspective, that's like a guy my size producing 17 lbs of jizz when he cums.

Note to prospective mates: I'm not NEARLY that messy.

What's even crazier is that the orgasm lasts 8 to 9 hours. (See, I told you we'd get back to it.) Can you imagine, an orgasm that lasts nine hours? The muscle soreness, the tingling. The pleasure centers in your brain and the nerve endings in your naughty parts would be fried. I doubt even Sting, with all of his tantric triathlon training, has been able to pull that off.

But in order to truly understand the love life of the rattlebox moth, you need to take into account the fact that they only live about 4 weeks. So a 9 hour orgasm represents about 1/75 of their entire lifespan. Assuming I lived to be 75 years old, that would be like me having an orgasm that lasted AN ENTIRE YEAR!

Note to prospective mates: I don't last nearly that long. The orgasm itself is probably... I dunno, 20 seconds? And the buildup, including foreplay, maybe thirty to forty minutes (featuring up to seven minutes of actual sex!) Can be as much as an hour total, if I'm feeling especially romantic, or if we've just started dating, or if you haven't done anything to piss me off in the last 48 hours.

Also important to note: Given my current lifestyle, there's NO WAY I'm making it to 75 years old. I think the Vegas line for the over/under is 42. Take the under.

Still, the most amazing thing about the sexual exploits of the rattlebox moth is that, after he's completed his "delivery," the female's body chemistry is actually changed by his sperm in a way that makes her a less appealing snack to predators. Having sex with him saves her life. That's a pretty neat trick.

Now, I don't know if it's true or not; I'm not an etymologist. What's important, however, is that he's convinced HER that it's true. See, Man, with our advanced brains and our opposable thumbs, has never, in all of our centuries of tricking women into sleeping with us, devised such a clever ruse to get laid.

It's genius: "Sleep with me if you want to live."

I might try that next time I'm at The Dresden as last call is approaching. "Hey, I saw this thing on the Discovery channel..."