So you're telling me I can have 8 million songs loaded onto a device the size of a postage stamp, and I can listen to those songs in crystal clear digital Dolby 5.1 stereophonic magic by placing speakers the size of corn niblets inside my ears... and yet we can't come up with anything better than toilet paper?
Seriously??
Because, you know, it's a continuum. At one time on our history, we had something else. And as time wore on, we arrived at toilet paper; toilet paper as we know it today was first introduced by the British Perforated Paper Company in 1880. And at that point, somebody threw up their hands and said, "You know what? That's good. Let's stop here. We don't need to work on this anymore. I say there's no need to try to improve upon what we've got."
Well, I'm here to tell you -- there's a need, okay? We're talking about cleaning ourselves after what is probably the foulest act we commit as human beings.
To put it in perspective: If you're walking around barefoot in your back yard, and you accidentally step in some dog poo, you don't just take a couple swipes at it with a napkin. NO! You run inside and boil your foot in soapy water!
If the unthinkable happens, and the toilet paper actually breaks down on you during its intended use, and you wind up with some unpleasantness on your hand, would your reaction be, "Ah, I'll just wipe it off with some toilet paper"?
OF COURSE IT WOULDN'T!!!
What year is it? Nineteen ninety something? Well, I think we deserve something better than paper. If you get dook on any other part of your body, you don't just swat it with a newspaper!!! This is insanity!!!
I can hear you now, "Just use baby wipes." I've tried the baby wipes, and while they're a step in the right direction, you can't flush them. So you end up with a waste can full of wipes with a brown spot on them, like little Spuds McKenzies. Nobody should have to live like that.
And don't even start in with the bidet. Because, first of all, nobody even knows how to use a goddamned bidet. And secondly, you're just getting everything down there wet, which makes it even more disgusting in my opinion.
I'm calling the top minds in the world to take up this cause -- all of our best scientists, and engineers, and inventors. I want government endowments, grant money and privately funded initiatives. I want a Cold War-style space race to discover the new excretory cleansing technology, and all the spoils that come with it.
And I... won't... rest... UNTIL... WE... HAVE IT!!!!
My name is Arik Martin, and I'm running for President!!!
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3 comments:
I could totally get behind this cause. I mean, a good part of the world isn't even using paper - they are using their friggin left hand!!!!!!!
There really does have to be a better solution to this whole wiping thing.
For you men out there.
Because, you know, I'm a girl and we only poop rose petals and cinnamon.
I agree with everything but one thing. I can think of fouler things than pooping. Using someone else's toothbrush.....that's worse. Eating poop that flicked off your bike's front wheel and accidentally flew into your mouth....that's worse. Those two things never happened to me. I just mention them as possible scenarios of gross out one-upmanship
funny!!!!
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